The Orange

Here we are in NZ and looking down the barrel at a long litany of losses (a nice bit of alliteration for you both to enjoy):

• The All Blacks
• The Kiwis
• The Black Craps – World Cup
• The Black Craps – 20Twenty
• The Black Craps – South Africa
• The Black Craps – Hadlee-Chappellee (oops, sorry, haven’t lost that series yet)

I’m tempted to include the Silver Ferns as emotional insurance … ie if I include them, they will prove me wrong.

Anyway, I digress but seeing no one is reading this it doesn’t matter.

The problem the Aussie cricketers have – the Australian cricket team that is, not the Green Caps or any other marketing name – is that they win too much.

Even when they good players get sent off to the knackers yard, they still win with a team of Nevilles.

We all want our team to win. Having followed the Warriors for too many seasons now, we all want our team to win at least some of the time.

But if a team starts winning too frequently then effectively there is no competition, no drama, and no joy of winning, particularly against the odds.

It happened with the Auckland rugby team during the A team’s golden period – the more they won, the harder it was to get the crowds.

The former Aussie coach has even suggested that we take the nationality out of the cricket teams and make them franchises.

I’ve got a better idea – let’s create two divisions – naturally, we’d have to call them the Premier League and Division One because you couldn’t possibly have a Division Two.

Then we put Aussie in the Premier League and everyone else in Division One. Except of course NZ and Zimbabwe … but that’s another story.

Yes – you.

Have you got pink balls?

Hard ones that could really do some damage.

Sometimes fast, sometimes slow but always pink.

At least the MCC doesn’t think this is a joke.

I can handle the beige but pink image the clash with the pink and the Aussies’ canary yellow!

It just isn’t cricket.

It takes a fair bit for any Aussie to admit that us Kiwis can do anything better than them – unless it involves unnatural acts and sheep* or dole bludging – but the Aussie netballers think they’re found Nirvana.

And no, that’s not the outfit from Seattle either.

Rather, the Aussie netballers can’t believe the media attention they are getting in NZ. We’re all over them (so to speak) and they’re all over our TV’s, radio and newspapers.

Ironically, the Silver Ferns had a similar story about when they landed in Australia the last time … a horde of media was ready and waiting at the airport. The thing was that all of the media was from NZ.

It’s hard to know what to make of it all. You can bet you last zloty that if the papers didn’t sell or punters turned off their TV’s, none of this would be happening.

Still, it does create some positive role models although I can’t help feeling that the Silver Ferns act a little like the All Blacks in terms of their matey-matey banter, joviality, good looks … and not to mention their ability to choke when the going gets tough.

That said, at least the Ferns managed to make the last world champs final AND win.

* Funnily, it’s perfectly natural for Aussies.

3 – nil to the Lions over the Kiwis and both of you would remember I said it first.

No real surprise when you think that Hohaia and Louis Anderson are effectively reserve grade players, Halatau barely rates as a hooker, and the back three barely had ten caps amongst them … and none at the start of October.

It was always going to be tough to replace players like Stacey Jones, Nigel Vagana and Jake The Muss Wiki.  Not to mention the idiocy of what happened with Bluey.

At the very time the Kiwis need stability and direction from the top, they appoint a coach who was coaching at the Bartercard Cup level this year.

(Voice whispers in ear).

Sorry, at the very time the Kiwis need to sort their crap out, the NZRL appoints a coach who was coaching club level this year.

(Voice whispers very loudly in ear).

WE APPOINT A COACH WHO WAS SELLING REAL ESTATE THIS YEAR!

Hmmm … that’s a good call.

The only thing that is worse than the Kiwis’ performance is that of the NZRL board and that idiot Chalmers has to go.

Unfortunately, it all makes sense how things could get so bad on the field when you see how bad they are off the field.

There’s a bit of comment about Ryan Nelson and his achievements.

Yes, he makes more each week than Winston Peters spends at Bellamy’s but that’s not the point of this exercise.

Sean Marks has been successfully plying his trade as a basketballer in the toughest league in the world – the NBA.

30 odd years ago, it would have been almost unthinkable that a NZer could reach such a level.  Perhaps Stan The Man Hill was the one exception.

Marks has been a true trailblazer (even tho he’s not playing for Portland).

While he’s often struggled to make the starting line up – and even the playing roster – there’s no doubt that he has something that the NBA coaches rate.

It was great to see him clock him some decent time in the Suns most recent game.

Let’s hope we see more Marks on the court!

The only downside is that Marks is no longer available for the Tall Blacks.  Regrettably, it’s a case of putting your family before the international game.

Postscript: Which reminds me of one of my all time favourite sporting nick names … Pommy cricketer Vic Marks was known as “Skid” to his mates!

You’ll only think the title of this post is funny if:

1.    Someone actually reads this (highly unlikely)

2.    Knows of Brazilian nuts (which is quite different but strangely not that far away from a Brazilian!)

3.    You realise that A-League teams have each have a gazillion Brazilians

The Phoenix had/have four until today when Retro Ricki kicked two of them into touch.

It’s a smart move all round.

First, imports in any sport have a spotted reputation to say the least.  Only need to look at basketball in NZ.

Second, the Phoenix signed up four and the numbers have worked in their favour with Felipe and particularly Daniel been very productive (when not writing around the ground fighting for their lives following a scything tackle … 1 minute later, they are sprinting the length of the park but I digress …).

It’s also smart because while the Phoenix can score a few, their foundation isn’t proving a hit.

(Now, if you don’t listen to music on a wireless, I’ll have to point out that there is an ensemble of musicians who perform under the name of the Phoenix Foundation.  Geddit now??)

By ditching George Paladini and Cleberson, Ricki can try to find a couple of players who think it’s their job to stop the opposition from scoring goals.

Let’s hope if Ricki has a player in mind, he doesn’t lose that number.

Melbourne Cup day so it would be almost criminal not to mention the Cup.

As for criminals, it’s great that you no longer need to commit a crime to go to OZ!

As for cups, at least we won this one.

Yes, a NZ bred horse Efficient has won yet another Melbourne Cup.  Given the dearth of cups this year, it is truly something worth celebrating.

On the other hand, let’s no forget that no horses from Japan made the trip nor did any from the east coast of Oz.

Still, you can only beat what’s put in front of you (the All Blacks should try it one day) and Efficient did just that. On top of that a Kiwi Graeme Rogerson trained the winner.
Special mention for Peter McKenzie from Levin (a little bit of nepotism goes a long way).  It’s a long way from Ohau to Flemington and it will be an even longer way back but Peter did it in style.

ENGLAND hooker Mark Regan said Australia was “crap” at the rugby World Cup, and has labelled Matt Dunning and the Wallabies front row “the Teletubbies”.

What an insult!!

The Teletubbies are no way as bad as that.

The Black Caps – beaten to a pulp in the semis

Team NZ America’s Cup – knocked out in the final round

The All Blacks – favourites to win, plenty of points in the early round, knocked out

The Kiwis – bloodied, beaten and bashed by the Kangaroos.

… and now Shane Cameron.

Big news.

Big mouth.

Big chin. [Perfect for knockouts]
Big Bulldog.

Big salary.

Biggest bore.