Either that or a comedian like Rhys Darby who specialises in being funny by not being funny if you get what I mean.

His latest epistle is Ten Things We’ve Learnt From the Autumn Tests.

The funny thing is that he continues to deny that he’s got the game he’s always wanted.

Jones usually bleating about the ABs just looks plain silly after the ABs whupped the Froggies:

Even dynamic New Zealand were often pedestrian.

Some footpaths then.

Still, the same old same old:

6 New Zealand do not look the World Cup winners in waiting

They may have thrashed a hopeless French team in Marseilles last night but with less then two years to go before the Rugby World Cup, there is no guarantee New Zealand will break what would then be a 24-year drought with no world title. Their results are reasonable but with so many journeymen, it seems likely they will win many games before RWC 2011 and again be overtaken in the closing laps. Graham Henry must be the coach of the autumn. Anyone who can draw a performance from that crew must be a genius.

No one down here is saying that it is a vintage AB team.  Yet such a poor AB team (as stated by Jones) is still good enough to beat all their Northern opponents without letting in a single try.  Two years in row.

And Matt Giteau beats Dan Carter to the first five position for the team of the autumn.

He’s a real try hard.

Ba da doom.

Anyway, the Welshman who wants to be a Pom we most like to hate is suffering a bad case of amnesia.

Having spent what seems like his whole life sneering at the frothy rugby in the Southern Hemisphere – and especially the Super [insert number here], he’s now changing his tune.

Looney tunes would be appropriate.

There’s a problem with rugby (and it’s not just the ABs cheating at the breakdown):

England scored one try in the whole autumn series — but this is not specifically a rant against England. It is written on a weekend when neither England nor New Zealand did anything that remotely came under the heading of entertainment. And on Friday night there were two big Guinness Premiership matches that between them yielded a total of zero tries.

No meat pies.

We know who to blame:

The core of the crisis is the shocking mess into which rugby union descends whenever the ball is taken into contact, and the cause of that is the utter negligence of the International Rugby Board (IRB) in upholding the laws of the game and their utter failure to drive the laws so that they keep pace with developments in the sport.

Ahh, actually the Pommy press deserves as much blame for bleating on about the soft-cock rugby in the Southern Hemisphere.

The biggest crime of course was the decision NOT to go with the elves (ahh, not the ones at the bottom of the garden).  The ELVs.

You had the opportunity to do something.  You didn’t.

You got the game YOU demanded.  Now you complain.  Go figure.

Still he ends by admitting the whole game is in a rucking mess:

And they can allow boots on bodies, to clean up the whole phase and inject some of the old dynamism. It was sad to see the men in black, representatives of the world’s greatest rucking nation, struggling in the same awful morass as England and the rest of the world.

Actually, Stephen, it’s you who’s more ass.

On the one hand, we had the All Whites “one shot for glory”.

On the other, a rugby “test”.

Clearly, it’s not comparing apples with other operating systems (;)) – the All Whites game was the culmination of a 4 year cycle and followed a handful of other qualifying games.

The fact that the first leg against Bahrain ended in a 0-0 draw simply helped the one shot for glory spin.

The point is that football … oops, I mean soccer clearly differentiates between games that matter and friendlies.  The World Cup game is simply a game that matters.

Compare that with rugby who try to convince us that the game against Italy was a test.  Yes, it was an international.  Yes, there were bragging rights at stake, along with honour and pride.

But there was nothing of import at stake.  No Tri Nations.  No Four Nations.  No Six Nations.  And certainly no World Cup.

That doesn’t stop some rugby tragics from talking about games still being “tests”.

For all the spin, they are no more than friendlies played by 80 minute enemies.  Shit, even the Taffies couldn’t get all thier players released.

So, there you go.

The ABs are currently playing a number of friendlies which they are keen to win.

See, it didn’t hurt did it?

The Independent put it succinctly:

New Zealand may well have lost their aura of invincibility in other arenas of world rugby, but in Cardiff they still seem invincible as ever. In extending their staggering period of dominance over Wales to 56 years and 21 Tests, the All Blacks forced Warren Gatland to seek a target elsewhere. The home coach duly turned his anger on the referee.

Yep, the refs have been cheating and looking after the ABs for years, especially in World Cup games!

The Kiwi accused Craig Joubert of favouring the favourites. “It’s trying to change referees’ opinions about not wanting to referee an upset – referees don’t want to be involved in upsets,” said Gatland, who spent a portion of the build-up querying the All Blacks’s “infallibility”. “The frustrating thing was not getting some 50-50 calls. We’re not asking for any favours, you just want some calls to go your way. If that high tackle had been at the other end, it would have been a penalty and a yellow card.”

It’s not worth rebutting this crap so I won’t.  I’ll leave it to the Independent:

Gatland certainly had a point about Dan Carter’s unpunished hauling down of Martin Roberts as Wales tried to launch their unlikely comeback with 10 minutes to go. The Welsh camp later revealed they want the fly-half cited. And fair enough, too. But it was hard to see where else the South African official had ruled outrageously for the visitors. In truth, Wales’s defeat was all to do with their own failings and very little to with Joubert. They were brave and that’s all they were. What should have made it all the more humbling for them was that New Zealand did not even play that well.

Oh dear, how sad, nevermind.

There’s a lovely phrase later on that sums up the sheer frustration from such a long losing streak:

Alas, Alun Wyn Jones, the Lions lock, did not have faith in his legs getting him to the line in a madcap dash as the seconds counted down. Half a century of failure acted like cement in his boots. Jones came up short, and ultimately so did Wales.

And why look for a punchy comment to finish this post when I can flog it:

Yes, New Zealand might have only won by a whisper. But few could deny it was still a long whisper. Gatland’s reaction merely clouded the real issue. Wales had come off second best. Yet again.

I’m sure it’s coincidental, but has anyone heard from the Robbie Deans fan club recently??

Anyway, but to the Wobblies.  And the rope.

Australia were struggling to paper over the cracks after suffering their seventh straight defeat by New Zealand in their Bledisloe Cup test in Tokyo.

Sorry don’t know what happened to the rope but perhaps the sub-editor was just stringing us along?

Yep, those Wobblies are definitely having some problems.

But don’t worry.  Dingo Deans has officially become a bleating Aussie:

“Can anyone tell me what the penalty count was?” Deans tetchily asked reporters, accusing the All Blacks of negative tactics under a fierce Wallaby assault late in the first period.

Answer:  Can anyone tell me how many tries the Aussies have scored this year? Actual tries (not make believe ones because the video ref can’t speak English and doesn’t under the rules).

It’s not just Robbie who’s bleating either:

Australian playmaker Matt Giteau also took a swipe at perceived All Blacks spoiling tactics under pressure.
“We got in their 22 a number of times, especially in the first half, and ball was killed when we had the opportunity to play wide,” he said, icing his right hand.
“All we could take was three points rather than seven and I think that had a huge bearing.”

Anyway, Robbie wasn’t completely unhappy:

As Deans was left scratching for positives, a first try against the All Blacks since their first Bledisloe Cup game of the year at least brought the hint of a smile.
“I was very pleased,” said the New Zealander. “We threatened a lot more and could so easily have scored more.”

Ah Robbie, the only try you’ve tried since the first game was a try that wasn’t.
Not that Teacher Ted is letting this get personal.

New Zealand coach Graham Henry, who got the nod ahead of Deans for the All Blacks job in 2007, grinned when asked if he felt his “foot was on the throat” of his opposite number.
“That’s a very interesting question,” said Henry. “We take all our tests very seriously and there’s a huge amount of pressure in New Zealand to perform — whether we’re playing Australia or South Africa or Wales or whoever.
“It just happens it’s 4-0 against the Wallabies this year which is pleasing but it’s not a personal thing. It’s a win-loss thing. They guys should be proud of their performance.”

[Tui Ad]This game wasn’t personal. [/Tui Ad]

Chris Rattue for one smells a … err, rat and he’s taking the distinctly un-nationalistic approach of support Wales.  And not just the beached ones either.

This particular rugby rivalry, not to mention the pompous All Black coaching panel, needs a giant kick up the behind.

Yep, our boyo Chris would be happy to see the Dragons fire to stick it up the three AB coaches.

The latest instalment of grandiose nonsense out of New Zealand rugby, involving the All Black coaches swapping their jobs, only makes the thought of a Welsh victory, however remote, even more mouth-watering.

Funny when you think that both Henry and Hansen (not the boy band) coached Wales too.

After a fair-to-hopeless season, a shock defeat would be a welcome comeuppance for the Teflon trio, a panel which escapes the serious scrutiny that has shaped All Black history and been a cross to bear for their predecessors.

It is fair to say that coaches with better records have fallen on their swords or, shall we save, have been through an assisted suicide process.

Perhaps – schock, horror! – we no longer expect the ABs to win every game and we’ve become more realistic when they do lose.

Perhaps we’re sick on winning everything every year and then falling over in World Cup year?

Perhaps not, according to Chris the Rat:

Having scuppered the prospects of other genuine All Black coaching aspirants, the NZRU and its wonder-boys are engaging in more of their mad-scientist schemes, arranging new job descriptions for themselves, minor tweaks they claim, apparently at the suggestion of senior players.

It’s interesting decision because if a player wasn’t performing in a core role (eg Latimer, Ross) they wouldn’t be given a different role would they?

Here’s a novel concept: if Steve Hansen really isn’t good enough to coach the forwards any more, then get someone in who is rather than let these 2007 World Cup failures become insiders trading places.

Indeed.  If Hansen is to take the blame, why give him another role?

In fairness, Rattue’s main focus is on what the Welsh need to do to beat the ABs.  Scoring more points than the Blacks would be a good start.

However in terms of the broader issue, Rattue’s point is valid – we either need an unexpected sweep with the ABs playing majestic football or a complete disaster of a tour which will force the NZRFU to react.

Anything else will see the focus remain on who is coaching the ABs off the field rather than what the ABs are doing on the field.

Frankly, anyone who uses a word like “ardent” isn’t your average rugby fanatic.  Naturally, I prefer league.

Having said all of that, I do make an effort to watch the home tests altho my days of getting up in the middle of the night to watch rugby are long gone.  Showing my age, I still get up in middle of the night, just not to watch rugby.

Anyway, I after the Bumble A Bees had bumbled their way to three straight losses against the Boks, it was great to see the Blacks dick the Wannabees comprehensively.

The only problem was, to quote my teenage daughter, the game “sucked”.

Sure, there were a couple of flowing moments.  Like when the players ran out on to the field at the start of the game and again after half time.

For the rest of the time, the game seemed to a scrummaging competition (which neither side won) or a game of force back.

I linked to a story on Sydney’s Daily Telegraph web site a couple of days ago to highlight the Aussie reaction and this was one of the telling comments:

I was waiting for a real game on nine and watched some union,scrum took ten minutes to pack and carter had kicked 5 goals aust 2.This game should be called forsman back were you kick the ball from one end to the other then when you get there kick between the posts.Australia are struggling big time just leave the talent of league players alone you waste there talent playing your pathetic game,actually it shouldnt be called a game.your press conferences are that boring they had to talk about who lifts the most weights.

Rugby means something to New Zealanders – and it did to me too on Saturday night.

But jeez if we’re going to be honest that was a crap game of football with a few bits of action built around a core of repetitive whistle, kicking and scrums.

Partly you have to blame the IRB and the incessant changes to the rules which I suspect have been done partly to undermine the AB’s brilliance counter-attacking and the Poms love for kicking the shit out of the pig skin and clapping.

But compared to other contact football games – AFL and rugby league in particular – rugby is drab, monotonous and lacking in any inspiration.

The AB’s may have won the game but I doubt they would have won over many new fans to rugby.

Wonder why?

Sure, Teacher Ted needs to put himself on detention and the Hansen was much better when he was in that band.

But as bad as the ABs have been, the Wallabies have been worse and deservedly took the wooden spoon in this year’s Tri Nations.

As for Deans the redeemer of the Wallabies, the halo is close to being replaced by a jury.  It’s too early to say that he’ll join the list of ex-international coaches in the commentary box but let’s put it this way – it would pay to learn to string a few comments together on line.

As for the Red and Black conspiracy theorists, it beggars belief that there is some anti-Crusader crusade (geddit?) with the re-appointment of Teacher Ted.  Sure the NZRFU will never admit they made a mistake so they have to back him to the bitter end.

What’s bizarre is that both Teacher Ted’s assistants are red and black.

As is the CEO of NZRFU.

As is the Chair of the Board.

If there is a conspiracy …

Anyway, it’s worthwhile to see how the Aussies are taking the loss.

Here’s a few comments:

I think that was one of the most disgraceful spineless inept (and indefensible – please try if you want) performances of any sporting team representing Australia overseas that I have ever seen. The team should be ashamed of themselves and donate their match payments to a charity approved by the Australian Rugby League (and I feel for their poor families). Rugby Yawnian indeed. I will never get that two hours of my life back. They have disgraced their country. John O’Neill should apologise.

Ouch.

But surely the win against the Boks showed a bit more?

Once again the Wobbollies have shown their true colours. They are a rabble and embarrassment to watch. Just think that Deans was believed to be a better coach than Henry. well that has been shown to be wrong. The Wobbollies will never win a World Cup, as they don’t have the fortitude to beat the Blacks. their win against the Boks, must have been a fluke.

Robbie’s sole tri-nations success was a fluke? Hmm … perhaps he shouldn’t try to walk back to Christchurch on water.

But it wasn’t that bad was it?

Well that sounds the death of Intertnational Rugby for Australia. we cant compete at any level really. The Wallabies are a disgrace.

OK, get the drift, but perhaps the Aussies just appreciated the game?

I was waiting for a real game on nine and watched some union,scrum took ten minutes to pack and carter had kicked 5 goals aust 2.This game should be called forsman back were you kick the ball from one end to the other then when you get there kick between the posts.Australia are struggling big time just leave the talent of league players alone you waste there talent playing your pathetic game,actually it shouldnt be called a game.your press conferences are that boring they had to talk about who lifts the most weights.

Never mind, it’s the AFL final next weekend and the NRL after that.  Robbie can’t lose either of those games, can he?

Sadly, as Chris Rattue noted in good old Granny, the ABs reached their nadir in Hamilton instead of nirvana.

Smit will go down as a colossus of world rugby, in the pantheon with the likes of Martin Johnson and John Eales, but the All Blacks are simply going down.

Ouch.

It gets worse – perhaps the mad Yarpie coach was right after all??

Referee Nigel Owens and touch judge Wayne Barnes combined to bolster the New Zealand scoreline with two and perhaps three crazy penalty rulings, from which Carter goaled, and a wonky decision which helped turn what should have been an attacking Springbok lineout into a Sitiveni Sivivatu try.

This handicapping of the Springboks started from their opening kickoff reception when Owens awarded the All Blacks a ridiculous penalty. He was at it again with a bizarre kick-chase offside call, and probably got a ruck penalty wrong as well although that is par for the course in rugby.

The result leaves more questions than answers.

Like why did we reappoint Henry and his partners in crime?

The always faulty, disingenuous theory that losing World Cup coaches, men who ruined their own team in 2007, would somehow be better for the experience was given humiliating last rites in Hamilton on Saturday night. So much for the NZRU’s claim that this trio is the dream team.

Mind you, if he thinks the coaches are bad, wait till you see what he has to say about Donald and Nonu:

Donald runs at the defensive line in the manner of a startled horse, and his presence has the effect of sending panic throughout the stables. He should never wear the black jersey again, because he simply isn’t good enough.

Outside him, Ma’a Nonu dropped the ball four times in a display that should also end his test days.

Don’t hold back Chris!

Mind you, as Rattue points out, for once the ABs looked better when Isaia Toeava came onto the pitch.

Still, he was just warming up for a grandstand finish, just like the ABs:

The wanton selection theory which led to an inevitably useless midfield pairing should send alarm bells ringing at rugby HQ, because it is just this sort of miscalculation which brought the All Blacks down at the last World Cup.

If losing World Cup coaches really do learn their lessons, how come poor, over-matched and out-of-position Donald and blunderkind Nonu were sent out together against the best team in the world?

Looks like it’s not going to matter how much tickets to the RWC final will be in 2011!

I’ve flogged it in full because:

a.  I’m lazier than Rokocoko on cover d

b.  It’s funnier than Henry trying to justify the AB’s tactics at the weekend

c.  No one reads this site, especially copyright lawyers

d.  Dolly did it anyway

The All Blacks’ performance at Durban was so bad it seemed a joke. So it’s time to hand out some Tui awards.

* At least we’ve got the depth of talent to get out of this hole.

* The All Blacks always play better after a loss.

* Thank goodness we got the coaches’ contracts sorted out so quickly.

* There’s always the “when Auckland is strong the All Blacks are strong” theory.

* Tests are the place to play Joe Rokocoko back into form.

* We will keep it simple and throw to the front of the lineout.

* The All Blacks only play this badly at World Cups.

* Gilbert Enoka can sort this out.

* If it hadn’t have been for Morne Steyn the All Blacks would have won.

* If it hadn’t been for the referee the All Blacks would have won.

* It gets easier from here.

* Don’t worry, Dan Carter will get us out of jail all by himself.

* Test matches aren’t the place to play percentage rugby.

* The coaches will use the Liam Messam method and axe half the team, publicly berating them for their shortcomings.

* All Blacks teams get better as the season goes on.

* We’re spoilt for choice at halfback.

* Robbie Deans is feeling sorry for Graham Henry’s side.

* Forget the All Blacks and the Warriors, the Phoenix will get us through winter.

YEAH RIGHT!!