The Orange

Bastards!

Typical.

I have a great headline but nothing much to say about it that hasn’t been written already.

If you want to read what the Granny Herald had to say, check out the story here.

Let’s just hope the magic ride lasts one more game.

At least we won’t be up against those cheating Aussie umpires!

First, let’s be clear – the best way to make the Black Caps perform is to injure them or deprive them of a couple of key players.

The Hurricanes use to claim that you should expect the unexpected but even that doesn’t go close to describing the experience of supporting the Black Caps.

Admittedly, it’s only two games in a row but still the games that have been one were both must win games and as I’ve noted already required some character that has been sadly missing in recent years.

And it hasn’t been lost on the world’s press either.

The SMH was impressed:

Brave New Zealand shrugged off an injury crisis to defeat England by four wickets at the Wanderers overnight and join them in the Champions Trophy semi-finals.

So too were the Poms who it must be admitted have to put up with an equally inconsistent team.

The Telegraph however notes that the Poms have a bad record against the Black Craps:

But it also continues [England's] strangely awful record against New Zealand, whom they have beaten only four times in the last 18 attempts.

Ready yourself for the backhanded compliment:

It is almost as if England can get themselves up for the big teams – the Indians or the South Africans – and yet still tend to underestimate the resilient and resourceful Kiwis. The adrenaline does not start pumping when Grant Elliott, a typical New Zealand trundler, begins his shuffling approach to the crease. And yet on a pitch like this one – which was as cracked as a castaway’s lips – a gentle medium-pacer can be just as dangerous as the nastiest fastie in town.

The Times saw this as more of a Pommy failure but frankly, who cares?

Even at 2,000 metres above sea level it is possible to crash down to earth. England did just that yesterday, and will now face the winners of today’s match between Australia and Pakistan in the semi-final at Centurion on Friday having missed the chance to finish top of group B.

While all three mentioned The Run Out That Wasn’t, only the Guardian kicked off with a reference to it:

The Champions Trophy might not be the biggest tournament in the world, but it certainly does a roaring trade in moral dilemmas. England have played three times and on each occasion captains have spent half the night agonising over ‘The Spirit of Cricket’. At this rate, umpires raising fingers will soon be replaced by priests administering blessings.

While Vettori rightfully gets the plaudits, McCullum gets a bit of borax:

The striking fact here is that McCullum has made a habit of such practice, and with New Zealand’s approval. In a Christchurch Test three years ago, with the ball still ‘live’, he threw down the stumps to run out Muttiah Muralitharan, who had walked out of his crease to congratulate Kumar Sangakkara upon making a century. A year earlier, in Bulawayo, McCullum ran out Chris Mpofu when he walked down the pitch to congratulate Blessing Mahwire upon his maiden Test fifty.

And we complain about the underarm?

Hardly any positive comments about the Black Craps … but this is the English papers and they love nothing more than an England failure.

Glad to be of assistance!

In honour of NZ’s glorious draw vs the Indians, we can now show how the Kiwi batting effort manage to stave off defeat:

OK, I put my hand up and say I had a bit of fun at Jesse Ryder’s expense.

You could say I took the piss out of a pisshead.

You call also call the Jesse’s had a reputation for having a bit of fun too.

Regardless of the past, it clear that right now he is happy to simply do his job.

In fact, he’s making it look quite easy.  Yep, Easy Ryder.

A maiden test century last test and now an unbeaten 137 with the distinct possibility of more to come.

What’s just as impressive is his consistency which naturally leads to an impressive average.  Check out his stats at Cricinfo.

In 14 test innings, he’s now hit 2 tons and 4 half centuries.  Not surprisingly, his test average is over 50 (and will increase after his second ton).

His ODI average is also pretty healthy, a touch under 40.

Without knowing the details, it’s hard to work out who’s been helping out in the background.  Having said that he still has to make it happen when it matters and that’s exactly what he’s been doing.

One interesting aspect to the double century partnership between Ryder and Ross Taylor was that it showed a significant cultural change for the NZ cricket team.

Two bros – one Maori, one Samoan – were out there doing the business for NZ cricket.

All power to them and let’s hope it’s a sign of things to come, both for NZ cricket and for both the players.

And Jesse – cheers mate!

The Australian 1st XI cricket team might be crap but their commentators are worse.

Let’s acknowledge that Channel Stine effectively invented ODI as we know it.  Cricket became TV product thanks to the Aussies.

When the Aussies are all dominant, the commentators are all dominant, lauding the might of the Aussies.  As painful as it is, at least the sausage lived up to the sizzle.

But from what we’ve heard over the last couple of days, the sizzle is there even if the sausage has gone well and truly off.

Perhaps the epitome of this embarrassment was Bill Lawry’s commentary after a sublime leg glance by Elliot.

Elliot moved across his stumps to the off side, creating an angle from what was effectively a straight ball, and the ball then slid off the face of the bat for a delightful boundary.  [How's that for commentary - eat your heart out Cricinfo!]

So what do we get on Channel Strine?

FFS we get the LBW tracker showing that the ball would have hit the top of middle stump … if only the cheating Kiwi hadn’t hit it with the face of his bat!

Add to that the “we” from Slats and Gilly, the commentary became more of a wankfest than analysis.  And don’t get me started on Heals.

As for analysis and preparation from the Aussie commentators, look no further than the ODI rankings for bowlers.

“Under-rated” bowling attack according to the Aussie wankentators.

Two Kiwis are in the top 5 (Vettori #1, Mills #5) will the “best ODI bowler in the world” [Nathan Bracken in case you weren't listening] is only at 3.

To be fair, as the Great Butcher Man is prone to say, I shouldn’t complain.  Actually, linking the Mad Butcher with a post about sausages and sizzles is inspired!

The Aussies cricket commentators may be crap but at least their team is just as bad – let’s hope for 3-nil today and more classic commentary from Channel Strine.

On the same day that the US porn in asked for a $5 billion bailup (can’t Viagra help to keep sales up??), it was appropriate that NZ Cricket share the spotlight with Jesse Ryder’s latest indescretion.

Before we get too bloody sanctimonious, let’s not forget that NOT getting pissed used to be the biggest possible problem for cricketers.

Boonie’s legend isn’t based so much on his opening batting, his skills at short leg or his contribution as a selector … it was his ability to throw back the cans on the trip from Oz to London that lead him to gaining legend status.

Let’s also not forget that the previous NZ cricket captain and part time advertising star also dabbled in the odd bit of after game rest and recreation without affecting his long term career.

Jesse Ryder can’t be totally blamed.  He’s just a pisshead cricketer. I’m tempted to check the elecotoral role to see if his occupation is listed as pisshead and cricket is just a hobby.

I’ve finally come around to the view that professional sports people aren’t role models.

That’s not to say they don’t have responsibilities.

As a professional, Ryder must accept that he owes it to his mates, the sponsors, and the public to turn up when required and in a state to do what is expected of him.

Mind you, when compared to some of the meathead rugby players, it’s a minor indescretion – in the AB’s, he’d be fast tracked in the leadership group given he hasn’t (as far as we know) beaten up anyone or pissed in a public place.  OK, he smashed up a toilet but that’s been flushed out of his system (sorry, more toilet humour).

You can guranatee that Jamie How now wishes he’d really gone out on the large BIG TIME to give the selector’s a different reason for not selecting him.

Given the importance of Ryder to the long term success of the team, it’s no surprise he’s only been dished out a one game punishment.

Anyway, let’s hope the marketers get on to this one.  Instead of those insipid Coke promos where you get to have a boring BBQ with a couple of AB’s, how bout one of the breweries cashes in has a promo where the winners get to go on the piss with Jesse.

At least it beats watching the cricket!

Confirmation today that Dan is the man when it comes to one day cricket.

Just a pity that one player a team does not make.  You might have to rearrange some of the last sentence to make sense but you get my point.

Seeing we are definitely NOT the number one team, it makes you wonder what other potential number ones (no toilet jokes please) we have.

Number one for injuries, broken fingers, and unmet expectations – Jacob Oram.

Number one for not building on starts – Brendon McCullum.

Number one – tatoos on a cricketer – Brendon McCullum.

Number one for breaking toilet doors (clearly helpful if in a hurry to do number ones and indeed number twos) – Jesse Ryder.

Number one for being a decent bloke playing international cricket with a girl’s name – Jesse Ryder.

Number one Black Cap player you’ve never heard of – Martin Guptill.

The number one fans – anyone who has to suffer through the ups and downs of supporting the Black Craps.  Pommy supporters come a close second but then they are used to it.  And they sing better songs.  If our team is crap we just don’t go and watch them and we certainly don’t sing songs either.

Number one umpire you want we you are fielding – Asoka De Silva.

Number one umpire you DEFINITELY don’t want when batting – Asoka De Silva.

Number one team we love to see lose – Australia.  (NB South Africa is an acceptable answer EXCEPT when playing Australia)

At least we are number one at some things!

Apparently, Ian O’Brien was subjected to name calling and insults at the Gabba.

The way the team batted, you’d have to wonder if the abuse was actually coming from the NZ selecters.