Almost.

I will make sure that I won’t refer in any way to those cheating Aussies (who actually have a bit of skill and pace, let me give you the tip).

Anyway, this isn’t about league although it involves a couple of NZ’s best-known leaguies – Tana and $BW.

We’ve been tracking Tana’s progress and he’s no pilgrim.

Mind you, he’s worked the oracle (miximing my manic metaphors) and managed to keep Toulon in the first division in France.

With only one game to play, Toulon have stormed to 10th in a 14 team league, with the bottom two teams taking the plunge.

For what it’s worth,US Dax andMont-de-Marsan have been relegated.

But not Toulon and that’s all that matters for a two bit blog like this.

Next year, he’ll have some help on the coaching front while on the playing side he’ll have to do without the services of Jerry Collins who’s off to Ospreys.

There’s a pun about leaks and defence there but let’s just leave it there for a moment and acknowledge that Tana *appears* to have saved his butt, at least for the time being.

The updated table is here.

It looks like Toulon have been ticking all the right boxes in recent weeks and have stormed to fourth.  Fourth from the bottom.

Still it sure beats being bottom two and the other big news is the $BW has signed on for more and has been scoring tries.

Check out Tana’s progress here:

http://frenchrugbyclub.com/Top-14-League-Table.html

Or should that be in Tana’s case, up against the Frogs.

Tana is now once again a living legend who is risking his own personal legacy to try to get out of jail.  So far, he only looks like collecting $200 for passing go and might be looking to buy somewhere else.

Tana returned to the field up against one of the top French teams – Stade Francais.  Unfortunately, there was no fairy tale and Toulon lost 12-22.

And, as Brucie used to say all those years ago in monchrome – let’s have a look at the old scoreboard:

http://frenchrugbyclub.com/Top-14-League-Table.html

I wonder if Petone needs an aging centre next season?

http://frenchrugbyclub.com/Top-14-League-Table.html

On the basis of this, I think it is safe to say a couple of things:

1.  Toulon have a real challenge on their hands to stay out of relegation zone (the bottom two)

2.  Tana has a real challenge on his hands to stay in Toulon

3.  French web designers have the biggest challenge on their hand – the site is crap!

Anyway, that post is the most read post EVER (yep, more than 2 reads!!!)

And believe it or not, someone actually responded who wasn’t trying to spam me or sell me pharmaceuticals I can’t pronounce or don’t need.

And even more unbelievable, he talked sense.  And he seemed to know a few things too.

Boudjellal will made a big annoucement the 26 of january

Bingo!

Is Umaga gone? I don’t think so.Not yet.

Bingo again!

Anyway, the Herald had the full story about Umaga’s return from the land of the grave and the acute:

In a shock announcement, Toulon president Mourad Boudjellal also revealed that former All Blacks captain Umaga would resurrect his playing career at the club after hanging up his boots last season following promotion from the second division.

Apparently, Tana’s considering recalling Colin Meads to beef up the second row.

As for Tana’s return, you’ve got to think it’s great PR but a big risk for Tana.

The problem of being a legend (I’m starting to take myself a little too seriously here I know but it won’t last long) is that legends live in the past.

Tana is playing in the present and it’s his future he should be worried about.

$onny Bill Williams’ future is apparently in jeopardy.  So why would he be appearing in a game show?? OK, seriously folks (both of you), no shock, no horror, no probe.

Tana’s almost gone and if as it seems certain he does go there goes Sonny’s future with Toulon.  Mind you, his future at Toulon is better than in league in Aussie (none) or his future coming back to NZ to play union (almost none).

The Phoenix fell at the final hurdle although that wasn’t too much of a surprise.  The fact that the Nix were still in it at the last weekend of the season was the biggest surprose of all.

With Smeltz and Moss (to a lesser extent) gone, the Nix are already preparing for next year by signing Diego Not-Maradonna.

And finally, Roy but not of the Rovers thinks our Brendon is shit.  Sorry, he didn’t say that, he called him a lump of shit.

You’d think that Roy would have learnt a little bit about calling people names, especially when animals are involved.

And a horse won the Wellington Cup.  Well done, horse.

It may not be official yet but it’s just like our Rachel used to say – it may not happen over night, but it will happen.

Gregor Paul summarised the situation in the NZ Herald a little while ago.

Tana might be a living legend in NZ but it’s a completely different ball game being a coach than being a player, albeit a legend.

The irony of it all – when a team loses, the coach has the power to dump a player.  But in a professional environment, the owner’s main option is to dump the coach.

Particularly when the said owner has poured millions into the team with the expectation that his pride and joy will be battling for the competition honours, not for survival.

As it stands, Toulon is bang smack in the relegation zone and Tana is on a hiding to nothing.  Paul puts it this way:

If Toulon are relegated, Umaga will almost certainly be fired. If Toulon stay up, Umaga will almost certainly be fired. Boudjellal is a man who is blown by the wind. He is impulsive, emotional and not necessarily governed by rational thought.

So given that Tana is a good bloke, a legend to boot, and his owner is a mad Frenchie, the instinct is to sympathise with Tana.

Don’t.  Simply because a bloke is a good bloke and a playing legend does not a coach make.

On top of that, Tana has surrounded himself with mates, wannabees, and never were.  Jerry Collins may have been another legend but sadly legends live in the past.

Sonny Bill was a potential legend in league but he needed to prove he could handle the physical contact.

Leaving league as he did for a sport he had not track record in demonstrates the paradox Tana faces as a coach.  If SBW is a success, it’s a case of you pay your dollars and that’s what you expect from a highly paid superstar.  If he fails, the coach takes it on the chin.

Toulon have slipped even further over the last couple of days and frankly the writing looks very much on the wall.  Not that Frank is in Toulon but he could help!

Tana’s best bet would be an assistant role so he can learn how to coach.

Mind you, Tana may still score francs in the end!